Songs I Never Hated - Part 32

Abbot & Hardy

I was standing next to one of the other player's mothers. We were waiting for the end of the middle school basketball team's scrimmage. Shirts versus skins.

"I've hardly seen you since last spring," she said. Her oldest plays basketball year round, my youngest plays baseball in the summer. They're friends, but the different schedules keep us apart sometimes.

"I know," I said. "We need to get the families together for dinner one of these days."

"Every time that happens, my husband ends up drunk," she said.

"He's funny when he's drunk," I pointed out.

"Even so," she said. "You're a bad influence."

"I hear that a lot," I said.

The scrimmage ended and our sons walked over, pulling on their shirts.

"Whoa," she teased my kid. "Good thing the girls are practicing on the other side of the wall. You're ripped."

"Yeah," he shrugged. "That 500 hours of TV I watched this summer really paid off."

She laughed. I grimaced. "Let's go," I told him. "No need to brag about your horrible upbringing."

In the car on the way home, he said, "I've never been as bored as I was last night."

"Why?" I asked.

"There wasn't anything on TV."

"You could have read something," I suggested.

He rolled his eyes. "We have to read at school. Why would I read at home?"

Silly me. "What did you do instead?" I asked.

"Watched TV."

"Not even trying anymore, are you?" I said.

"You admitted you're a horrible parent," he reminded me.

"I should have followed Roger Daltrey on tour," I said.

"Who?" he asked.

"Exactly," I said.

The Kids Are Alright

What a nice man:















What a fine song:



What a shame my iPhone's camera sucks so much.

Nuts

"What are you doing?" the Lovely Bride asked suspiciously.

"Looking at recipes," I replied.

"Let me be more specific," she said. "What are you doing looking at recipes that call for three large squirrels?"

"Brunswick stew, baby. You'll love it."

"You're not really going to use squirrels, are you?"

"I wish," I said. "None of the groceries around here carry them. I checked."

"Thank God," she said.

"Of course, we do have that air rifle...." I mused.

"I'll help!" my youngest shouted from downstairs.

"You're not cooking with squirrels and you're not killing them in our backyard."

"Commie vegan," I muttered.

"A vegan lifestyle would be good for you," she said.

"That's crazy talk," I said.

"Your doctor told you two days ago your cholesterol was higher than it should be."

"He also refused to prescribe bourbon for me. He's clearly incompetent."

"Please tell me you didn't ask him for a prescription for alcohol," she said.

"He thought it was funny," I said.

"Don't you realize that stuff is going to end up in your medical records if you're not careful?"

"Good," I said. "It'll cover up the copy he made of the note you forced me to bring."

"You were the one who refused to let me come to your appointment with you," she said.

"I'm not six, for God's sake. I can go to a doctor appointment by myself."

"Then why did you forget to ask him about a referral to an allergist?"

"I got distracted. We were talking about other stuff."

"Like what?"

"Grouse hunting. And health care reform. And whether it's okay to threaten to hit your kids if you don't actually do it."

"What a helpful way to spend your annual check up," she said. "That's why I gave you a note with a list of things to ask him."

"Fine," I said. "But it was really embarrassing when I told him I needed his signature."

"If I hadn't required his signature, would you have shown it to him?"

"That's not the point," I said.

"What is your point?" she asked.

"I don't remember. You clouded my mind with your juju."

"How can you tell?" she smirked.

"Give me some sugar," I said and smooched her.

"What is wrong with you?" she giggled.

"You knew I was squirrelly when you married me," I said.

There, That Wasn't So Hard, Was It?

Songs I Never Hated - Part 31

The Telephone Game

The youngest found me upstairs, where I was literally and figuratively immersed in cleaning the toilet.

"Dad, my brother's calling from Miami."

"Tell him I'll call him back in a few minutes," I said.

After washing up, I returned the call. My oldest answered.

"Talking to me is a privilege," he said. "If you don't want to lose it, you need to start answering your phone."

"I was cleaning the toilet, for God's sake."

"Get one of my brothers to do it," he said. We both got a good laugh out of that one.

"How's college so far?" I asked.

"Great. I went to South Beach with some friends last weekend. Next weekend's the first home game, against The Ohio State University." He emphasized The with the disdain my kids have used since they first decided they hated that school, for reasons they either can't articulate or I can't understand without putting a lot more energy into the discussion than it warrants.

"I can see why you'd enjoy that," I said. "How about the part of it we're paying for?"

"The classes are interesting," he said. "We just started our biology lab."

"Do you get to dissect something?"

"Not yet."

"You should dissect something anyways. It's good practice. I'll send you a cat."

"If you're going to be stupid, I'm going to hang up," he said.

"How's the philosophy class?" I asked.

"You were right about one thing," he said. "Ayn Rand's a nut."

"Glad you agree," I said. "You must have a good professor."

"It wasn't hard to figure that out," he said.

"You'd be surprised," I said. "Hey, you know what's particularly idiotic about her essay 'Apollo and Dionysus?'"

"No, and I don't care. How's Lucy?"

"She's fine. We play Crazy Dog most nights. She runs up and down the stairs as fast as she can for five minutes while I sing the Crazy Dog song."

"I bet mom loves that," he said.

"That's what makes it so much fun," I said.

"How's Grandma?" he asked.

"She was over here last week reminding us to take her gold fillings before we have her cremated," I said. "I told her when she died we were going to have her stuffed and use her as a hat rack."

"Did she get mad at you?"

"She was already mad because I told your brothers I used to come home from school and find her passed out on the couch in front of the soap operas, clutching a jelly jar full of gin."

"What did she say?"

"She said it's too bad you're in Miami because I need more good influences."

"That's true," he mused.

"I guess we'll have to save that until you come home," I said.

"That won't be until December," he reminded me.

I know, I thought.