Untitled - Part 2

First

"What's in this?" he asked.

"Nothing. Eggs. Salt. Pepper."

"Is it good?"

"It’s fine. It’s eggs."

He took a bite. "Not bad."

"I told you."

“So.”

"So?"

"What do you think?"

"I don't know."

"Is it safe?"

"I don't know. Probably not."

"We have to do it."

"Yes. We do."

Second

They’d talked about it for weeks. Risks, rewards. It was like a business to them. It was a business. Not the way most people thought about business, maybe, but a business still. It took planning and investment and sweat and if things went well there was profit to be made.

Untitled - Part 1

First

"What's in this?" he asked.

"Nothing. Eggs. Salt. Pepper."

"Is it good?"

"It’s fine. It’s eggs."

He took a bite. "Not bad."

"I told you."

“So.”

"So?"

"What do you think?"

"I don't know."

"Is it safe?"

"I don't know. Probably not."

"We have to do it."

"Yes. We do."

Guilty Pleasures - Part 3

The Running Of The Spaniels

Friday night I heard a muffled crash. That usually means our puppy Lucy has been reaching up on the counter again. Sure enough. This time she'd managed to find a knife. Holding it in her mouth by the handle, blade facing out, she charged toward me.

"Get away!" I yelled, scrambling backwards.

She wagged her tail and feinted toward her left.

"Damn dog, leave me alone!" I grabbed a Milk-Bone and completed the delicate negotiation required to confiscate the knife.

So I was feeling none too kindly about the idea of pets when my mother showed up on Sunday morning.

"Help," I heard her call when she opened the door. "Help, someone."

"What's wrong?" I asked from the other room.

"Your dog won't let me in the house."

"Her training's paying off," I said.

"Very funny," she said as my oldest corralled the dog. "Keep it up and I won't let you have your magnets."

My mother just got back from Spain. She's taken to bringing home magnetic souvenirs for me. She brings home an identical set for R., who's been my best friend since 7th grade. At some point he became part of the family through that magical process mothers use to adopt their sons' friends.

"Ooh, magnets," I said. "I love you, mom. You're the best."

"Stop it," she said while I tried to hug her. "Let me show you what I have."

As she dug through her bag I saw a small tin.

"What's that?" I asked.

"Olive oil. I brought it for the Lovely Bride."

"Did you declare it?" I asked.

"Don't start with me," she said.

"No wonder Lucy reacted that way. She's a natural customs dog. Did you mule in any heroin?"

"Why are you so ridiculous?" she asked.

"Maybe you think it's ridiculous to protect your grandchildren from narcotics. I don't."

"I'm sorry," my mother said to the Lovely Bride, who shrugged in response.

I started singing. "God damn, god damn the pusher man."

"Your singing is worse than your attitude," said my mother.

"It's all genetic," I said.

"You're adopted," she reminded me.

"Did you smuggle me across the border too?" I asked.

"Can you smuggle him back?" asked the Lovely Bride.

I Wish I Was A Headlight

Running perimeters of the base, I used to sing this to myself to be somewhere else.

Bon Appétit, Volume 11 - That's Some Good Wolf

Anyone can cook up a storm with gallons of truffle oil and a diamond encrusted pan. When times are tough, though, that's when a chef proves his mettle. To prove mine, I've assembled some of my favorite recipes for those on a budget. Tighten your belt, grab a seat, and let's dig in!

1. Foreclosure Foie Gras

Snare five large pigeons. Forcefeed pigeons for at least three weeks with a half-and-half mix of sand and lard. Remove livers, reserving other organs for garnish. Simmer carcasses in three quarts unflavored water overnight. Cool pigeon stock and strain out feathers. Mix together livers, stock, and a handful of fresh acorns until desired consistency. Serve with reserved organs and day old white bread.

Serves 150 former homeowners or 1 CEO.

2. Bankruptcy Barbecue

Skin and butcher two sacks of varmints. Set aside musk glands to make tea. Marinade varmints overnight in a mixture of one-half pound tallow, a pinch of salt, and one bunch dandelion stalks. Cook over a charcoal briquette until warm and serve immediately.

Serves 23 Okies.

3. King of the Road Kasserole

Stir together two potatoes, a turnip, half a squirrel, and a handful of collards. Pour over one pound minced gravel and slowly mix in one cup ketchup. Allow mixture to ferment until pungent. Accompany with an unoaked turpentine.

Serves 14 hoboes.

4. Soylent Soufflé

Soak one large corpse in water overnight to remove impurities. Drain and blot dry with 401(k) statements. Roll in a breading mix of Malt-O-Meal and hooch. Cook under a hot magnifying glass until edible.

Serves a boy and his dog.

5. Black Monday Macaroons

Boil two gallons water. Stir in one teaspoon flour, a photograph of a coconut, and three cups school grade paste. While still warm, form into macaroon shapes. Dust lightly with grit and store in a damp, cool place until serving.

Serves 6 widows or 14 orphans.

Value Added

Brilliant.