Is This How Twitter Works?

Start new job tomorrow. Have to get up early and wear suit. No bourbon tonight. What was I thinking?

Pay Now Or Pay Later

Around 3 a.m. yesterday morning I woke. My face was numb.

I wonder if I'm having a stroke?

Downstairs, the water softener kicked in. I lifted my head.

Strange, I thought. I don't feel quite right.

The Lovely Bride turned over.

It's probably nothing.

I went back to sleep.

"Why didn't you wake me up?" the Lovely Bride asked when I told her the story.

"I was afraid you'd call for help," I said.

AAAAARGH!!

God: "Hey, Moses, want to see something funny?"

Moses: "Sure."

God: "Check this out. I'm going to put an extra guy in the huddle."

Moses: "Hilarious!"

God: "Then Favre's going to throw an interception."

Moses: "Stop, you're killing me."

God: "Now. Watch Snag."

Suck It, Dallas

Light Blogging Ahead

I'm starting a new job in a couple of weeks so it's going to be slow going on the posts and the comments for a while. I'm thinking of y'all, though.

This is more interesting than me anyway.

We Believe These Truths

"Let me understand this," my friend said four years ago. "People walked into a voting booth, knew their ballots were secret, and you still got elected?"

"Yeah," I sad. "Pretty much."

"Democracy's an amazing thing," he said.

Which, at least from the perspective of someone who didn't seek reelection, it is.

Nature/Nurture

"I'm going to Norway," my mother said.

"You just got back from the Third World," I said.

"I was in Belgium."

"That's what I said."

"You're making less sense than usual," she said. "Norway's a lovely country."

"What are you going to do there? It's a socialist hellhole."

"It is neither socialist nor a hellhole," she said. "Besides, I want to see the fjords."

"Why don't you go to Michigan instead?" I suggested. "It's cheaper and you can visit Ford headquarters."

My mother closed her eyes for a moment before turning to my oldest son.

"How are you coming along with the plans for your trip to Australia?" she asked him.

"Fine," he said.

"Is your father helping?"

"What do you think?" he asked.

"Well, I am sorry about that," she said. "I did my best to raise him properly but it doesn't seem to have worked."

"It's not your fault, Grandma," said the boy. "He's a horrible parent and I've turned out okay."

"That's true," she mused.

"I love them both so much," I told our dog Lucy, who responded by gnawing on my arm.

My youngest skipped into the kitchen and waved to his grandmother. "But if he's been murdered by crystal meth tweakers, well then we're hmmm out of luck," he sang as he skipped back out. She watched him go, a puzzled expression on her face.

"He's pretty much ruined my brothers," the oldest told her.

"'Ruined' is a strong word," she said.