Ball Of Fire

"Hey, ma," I said when my mother answered the phone.

"Hello," she replied. "I thought you were in Orlando."

"These modern phones work across state lines," I said.

"You don't need to be sarcastic," she said. "I was simply wondering why you'd call me when you're away on business."

"Maybe it's because I know you enjoy our conversations so much," I said. "What with you being in your dotage and all."

"You're not making any sense, although I'm used to that," she said. "But I'm still not clear why you're calling me from Florida."

"I'm not in Florida," I said. "I just got back."

"Weren't you supposed to get back tomorrow?"

"My meeting ended early and I wanted to get home because I missed my family so much."

"I'm sure they felt the same way," said my mother.

"Now you're being sarcastic," I said.

"Do you have anything worthwhile to say or are you intentionally wasting my time?"

"I'm driving. I'm bored," I said.

"Can't you find someone else to bother?" she asked. "Although I'd imagine most people have even less interest in talking to you than I do."

"You're being hurtful again," I whined. "I was calling to see what you're doing this weekend."

"Well, I wish it wasn't going to be so cold tomorrow. I'll be outside much of the day."

"Why's that?" I asked. "Did you get evicted? Serves you right for being unemployed."

"I'm not unemployed, I'm retired. And I did not get evicted. I'm going to be working at the clinic."

"What the hell are you talking about? What clinic?"

"The abortion clinic. I volunteered to be an escort one day a month."

"A what?"

"An escort. I'm going to help the women get from their cars to the clinic."

"You're going to what?"

"I'll be keeping the protesters away from the patients and making sure there's a clear path into the building."

"Huh," I said. "I have to admit, I'm speechless."

"Then it's already been a success," she said.

"Hilarious," I said. "What if the protesters come after you?"

"They wouldn't dare," said my mother.

Not if they know what's good for them, I thought.