Nuts

"What are you doing?" the Lovely Bride asked suspiciously.

"Looking at recipes," I replied.

"Let me be more specific," she said. "What are you doing looking at recipes that call for three large squirrels?"

"Brunswick stew, baby. You'll love it."

"You're not really going to use squirrels, are you?"

"I wish," I said. "None of the groceries around here carry them. I checked."

"Thank God," she said.

"Of course, we do have that air rifle...." I mused.

"I'll help!" my youngest shouted from downstairs.

"You're not cooking with squirrels and you're not killing them in our backyard."

"Commie vegan," I muttered.

"A vegan lifestyle would be good for you," she said.

"That's crazy talk," I said.

"Your doctor told you two days ago your cholesterol was higher than it should be."

"He also refused to prescribe bourbon for me. He's clearly incompetent."

"Please tell me you didn't ask him for a prescription for alcohol," she said.

"He thought it was funny," I said.

"Don't you realize that stuff is going to end up in your medical records if you're not careful?"

"Good," I said. "It'll cover up the copy he made of the note you forced me to bring."

"You were the one who refused to let me come to your appointment with you," she said.

"I'm not six, for God's sake. I can go to a doctor appointment by myself."

"Then why did you forget to ask him about a referral to an allergist?"

"I got distracted. We were talking about other stuff."

"Like what?"

"Grouse hunting. And health care reform. And whether it's okay to threaten to hit your kids if you don't actually do it."

"What a helpful way to spend your annual check up," she said. "That's why I gave you a note with a list of things to ask him."

"Fine," I said. "But it was really embarrassing when I told him I needed his signature."

"If I hadn't required his signature, would you have shown it to him?"

"That's not the point," I said.

"What is your point?" she asked.

"I don't remember. You clouded my mind with your juju."

"How can you tell?" she smirked.

"Give me some sugar," I said and smooched her.

"What is wrong with you?" she giggled.

"You knew I was squirrelly when you married me," I said.