I Don't Like Spiders And Snakes

"What kind of paraphernalia can I get on our trip?" my youngest asked.

"Huh?" I responded.

"We're going to Florida on Friday," he said with exasperation.

"I know that," I replied. "That's why I've got this shopping cart full of junk food."

"What about paraphernalia, though?" he said.

"What are you talking about? We're not smoking dope on the trip."

"I think he means souvenirs," said my oldest.

"Yeah, souvenirs," said the youngest.

"What about them?" I said.

"What are we going to get?"

"Well, we're definitely going to the Skunk Ape Research Center and we're definitely getting a magnet."

"What am I going to get?" he demanded.

"How about an alligator?" I asked.

"Gross," he said. "I don't like reptiles."

"What do you like?" I asked.

"Mammals."

"You said you hate rats," the oldest reminded him.

"Oh, yeah, except for rodents," he said.

"How about birds?" I asked.

He shuddered. "I don't like bird hair."

"Bird hair?"

"You know. The stuff birds have."

"You mean feathers?" his brother asked.

"Whatever," he said.

"Glad I'm getting value for my school district taxes," I muttered.

"So what kind of souvenirs do I get?" he repeated.

"A t-shirt. Some Hurricanes gear. The memories of a special time with your dad and your oldest brother and your best friend."

"I don't think any of us are going to want to remember this trip," said my oldest.

"Good point. Hey, where'd your brother go?" The youngest was nowhere to be seen.

"He went back to the junk food aisle."

Sure enough, when we doubled back he was standing there with an armload of chips and cookies.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"Getting souvenirs," he said.

"Jesus. We've got plenty. Put it back."

"Then I'm going to get a dog treat for Lucy," he said.

"That doesn't even make sense," I told him.

"Lucy needs a souvenir," he said.

"Not from the grocery store."

"Then we have to get her one on the trip."

"Fine," I told him. "We'll get her a rat."

He made a face. "That's disgusting."

"No worse than this crap you're making me buy. Slim Jims? Really?"

"And we get to listen to my music while we're driving," he said.

"That's a negative, soldier," I said.

"What am I supposed to do in the car?"

"Talk to your friend," said his brother.

"Look for alligators," I said.

"Or we could sing," said the youngest.

"Maybe I should get some paraphernalia," I said.