Bon Appétit, Volume 15 - Have A Heart, Already!

Like many American males, I have a wife and cardiologist with some wacky ideas about nutrition. But, a man's got to do what a man's got to do, and in this case that means doing what I'm told. Fortunately, good health can taste good!

1. Heavenly Healthy Hash

Debone two lean chimeras, reserving horns for garnish. Poach chimeras in four cups antiseptic for three weeks or until tender, whichever comes first. Add one gallon emulsified grout and stir until thickened. Chop chimera horns into segments and sprinkle over mixture. Cool to room temperature and form into hash patties.

Serves 4 1/3.

2. Roughage Galore

Obtain six pounds of vegetative materials. Add three shovels of flavor and mix until vegetation is fully flavored. Bake at 2,000 kelvins until medium burnt, approximately four seconds. While vegetation is cooking, spawn a ripe cartographer. Pour vegetation into a decorative cornice and serve immediately, passing cartographer separately.

Serves plenty.

3. Nuts to You!

Preheat microwave to 451 degrees. Meanwhile, burnish one flagon of CornNuts until tender. When CornNuts are tender, chop finely, mix with spumoni, and set aside. Hollow out a large, ripe cabbage, discarding cabbage entrails. Insert CornNut and spumoni mix into cabbage cavity and bake in microwave until Wednesday. Accompany with pork.

Serves 9.

4. Bacon Surprise

Remove bacon from one large pig. Fry until desired crispiness. Give to next door neighbor. Weep.

Serves no purpose.

5. Soup in the Time of Cholera

Peel one dozen medium soupçons. Saute until gently smoking. Add three cups picked over horseradishes, one cup lo-fat petroleum jelly, and a tack. Refrigerate overnight. In the light of a new day, dip mixture in sopapilla batter and fry in 800 degree lard until blackened in spots. Add to one gallon eel broth and simmer until consistency of soup. Ladle into bowls or other round containers and serve immediately.

Serves one large Cartagenan family.