Friday, March 25, 2011

The Joy Of Children

"I need a loaf of bread," my youngest demanded. "And some butter."

"It's 9:30 on a Wednesday night," I replied. "Go to bed."

"I need them," he repeated. "Jelly too, if we have any."

"Are you on crack?" I asked him.

"See, you don't care how I do in school," he said.

In the old days, I would have poured myself a drink. Now that the cardiologist has tightened the screws, I have to navigate life on my own. It's not pretty.

"What is he talking about?" I asked the Lovely Bride. She shrugged without looking up from her magazine.

"Do you know?" I asked the dog, who responded by gnawing on my hand.

"I need it for class," said the boy.

"What?"

"For class. Tomorrow. I need to bring bread and butter. And maybe jelly, I don't have to bring that, but I can if we have some."

"What the hell kind of class is this?" I asked. "Are they teaching you how to make toast?"

He rolled his eyes. "It's called 'Investigations.'"

"Somebody should investigate what the school's doing with my tax dollars," I said. The Lovely Bride concentrated harder on the magazine. She knows how I get.

"So can I have some bread?" said the boy.

"What if we don't have any?"

"Then you'll have to go to the store."

"It's 9:30 at night! Why didn't you ask before?"

"I just thought of it. I was busy."

"You were watching a basketball game on TV."

"I know. I said I was busy."

"For the love of God," I muttered.

"I thought you didn't believe in God," the middle boy interjected.

"I believe in shutting my piehole if I don't have anything useful to say," I explained. "Maybe you should try that."

"Mom, Dad's being rude again," the middle kid yelled. The Lovely Bride continued to read.

Opening the freezer, I found three-quarters of a loaf. "Will this work?" I asked.

"I guess," said the youngest.

I handed him some butter too. And a jar of preserves.

"This isn't jelly," he said, looking at the preserves.

"Close enough, Julia Child," I said.

"Who's that?" he asked.

"A nice lady who would have baked you into gingerbread."

He curled his lip at me. "Good night, Mom," he said.

"Good night," said the Lovely Bride, looking up and smiling at him.

23 comments:

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

You ought to visit my blog. It will cheer you up about your life.

Snag said...

That's sort of how I feel about your state these days, even though mine hasn't been anything to write home about.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

Hey, come on. We have some gutsy Democratic legislators, and several hundred thousand demonstrators who can also spell their damn signs.

OK, we also have Althouse, but since she's a lawyer, your profession has to take partial blame for that.

Also, we won the Super Bowl and brett Favre is yours.

El Snacktator said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jennifer said...

In the old days, I would have poured myself a drink. Now that the cardiologist has tightened the screws, I have to navigate life on my own. It's not pretty.

Bourbon is no longer Snag's copilot.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

Bourbon is no longer Snag's autopilot.

I will drink those drinks to save Snag, like Audie Murphy throwing himself on a grenade to save his buddies!! Except drunker.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

"Then you'll have to go to the store."

"It's 9:30 at night! Why didn't you ask before?"


Opportunity to go to Psycho Suzie's.

Kathleen said...

I will drink those drinks to save Snag, like Audie Murphy throwing himself on a grenade to save his buddies!! Except drunker.

meee tooooooo

also, snag=hilarity

Another Kiwi said...

I would not let my cardiologist loose with a screwdriver is all I'm saying.
Besides LoL

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

I will join Kathleen and ZRM, but only because it's for a good cause.
~

almostinfamous said...

group hug at bourbon-thirty!

fish said...

In the old days, I would have poured myself a drink. Now that the cardiologist has tightened the screws, I have to navigate life on my own


See, now this is completely counterintuitive. It makes me believe that doctors don't actually know what they are doing.

Substance McGravitas said...

9:30 bread is the best bread.

Smut Clyde said...

A loving father would have BAKED SOME BREAD.

Von said...

But, what was the bread for? this is going to keep me up at night.

Jennifer said...

Maybe it was to be served with the Stone Soup. Do they make Stone Soup past preschool??

fish said...

The Joy of Cooking Children

There, fixed the title.

Snag said...

I'm still not sure what the bread was for. Best I can tell he sold it and bought gum with the proceeds.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

You guys haven't been reading the news.

What with not allowing poor people to have cash, Minnesota schools are now hotbeds of black market foodstuff trading.

Saw it on Oprah or something. I suspect Lileks is also at fault somehow.

Brando said...

LOL at the Julia Child line.

Snag, you could have combined the bread and religion by telling the youngest to pray for some bread to fall from the sky, and then tell him that God must be angry with him when the bread doesn't appear.

Anonymous said...

Be Fouled,

My name is Barbara O’Brien and I am a political blogger. Just had a question about your blog and couldn’t find an email—please get back to me as soon as you can (barbaraobrien(at)maacenter.org)

Thanks,
Barbara

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

yes, Be Fouled. Be Very Fouled.

Barbara, have you visited the picture of Wil Wheaton collating paper yet?

Jennifer said...

LOL

It was the Nastyass Honey Badger post that piqued her curiosity, Snag!