Thursday, January 20, 2011

Go Ask Grandma

"I've never smoked marijuana," my mother was telling my kids as I walked into the kitchen.

"Oh God, what now?" I asked.

"I was telling the boys that when one reaches a certain age, one starts to catalogue the things one hasn't done."

"It's called a Bucket List," I said. "There was a movie by that name. I hated it."

"You hate everything," my middle son pointed out.

"With good reason," I replied.

"Don't be ridiculous," said my mother. "You have a wonderful family."

I laughed hollowly. "Yeah, ask the Lovely Bride for her opinion."

"Her perspective might be different," said my mother. "After all, she's married to you."

"Ooh, Dad, sick burn," said my youngest.

I pointed at him. "Lucy, kill," I suggested to our dog. She jumped up and gummed my arm.

"Besides," I asked, turning to my mother, "what does any of this have to do with your history of drug use?"

"I do not have a history of drug use. I was merely explaining that some things I do not regret having missed. Drugs are one of them."

"The first step is admitting you have a problem," I said. "We can't make progress if you continue to deny reality."

"What is he going on about now?" she asked her grandchildren. They offered puzzled shrugs in response.

"Your grandmother used to keep her stash in the oven when I was growing up," I told the boys. "She was the biggest dealer in our city until she went to prison. That's where she got the gang tattoos."

"I do not have any tattoos," she said.

"Sure, not anymore," I said. "Laser removal."

"What sort of fantasy world have you created for yourself?" she asked in exasperation.

"Not a drug-induced one," I said. "Which is more than you can say."

"Well, I think that's enough of you for one day," she said, gathering her things.

"Hugs not drugs," I said, giving her a squeeze as she put on her coat.

"Please try to improve your attitude before I come back next week," she said.

"Hope not dope," I said.

18 comments:

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

I want your mom to adopt me.

Seriously, it will be cheaper than hiring me as her architect.

I hope your ears have stopped ringing.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

Also, your mom would be TOTALLY HILARIOUS stoned.

Tell her Jennifer said that.

Pinko Punko said...

Snagsby,

I was thinking about you the other day, and it wasn't because anything horrible or exasperating happened. I was thinking about how much I missed you and that the Goob needs an Uncle Snag.

Snag said...

Pinko, if you're looking for an Uncle Snag surrogate, you may want to consider your local butcher.

Can you imagine my mother dancing around to "The Age of Aquarius"? I can, and it's horrifying.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

my mother dancing around to "The Age of Aquarius"? I can, and it's horrifying.

did I miss that? Was I beating your dog with a chair, or perhaps one of your spawn, while that was happening?

God, I NEVER have any fun.

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

You are a very funny person, Snag.

Imagine a kid from D.C. smoking pot for the first time on a boy scout camping trip.
~

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

Imagine a kid from D.C. smoking pot for the first time on a boy scout camping trip.

Well I, for one, am glad you would never have done such a thing, thunerpants.

Jennifer said...

Imagine a kid from D.C. smoking pot for the first time on a boy scout camping trip.

Sounds like Grizzled's troop.

Snag- is your mother's name, Mary Jane?

Jennifer said...

LOL! I just noticed your title.

Another Kiwi said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Another Kiwi said...

Welcome back Snag, the interwebs have lacking in teh funny whilst you were out gallivanting

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Go Ask Grandma

When she's ten feet tall...
~

Kathleen said...

"Mead not Weed"

Substance McGravitas said...

Fish is the dish.

Von said...

Welcome back Snag!!! Another great post, too.
Your mom sounds awesome.

Adorable Girlfriend said...

What does she consider drugs? This is an important question.

Brando said...

Picture yourself in a kitchen with Snag
With tangerine meats and marmalade pies.

Jennifer said...

Ah yes, I can hear Shatner singing that!