Bon Appétit, Volume 14 - Take Me Out To The Ballgame

With baseball season in full swing (and a miss!), it's time to break out the grill and prepare some of those great American favorites. Best of all, the only tools you need are a good knife, a hot fire, and your cunning and agility.

1. Home Run Platter

Snare and carefully butcher three medium possum. Reserve pelts for quilting. Steam over low heat for approximately one full moon. When tender, whisk together with a Maris and allow to cool to room temperature. Accompany with a hanging curve.

Serves Eight Men Out.

2. Triple Play

Choose one meat from each of the pork, beef, and chicken families. Cook until delicious and stir to blend. Shred one lamb. Discard. With a kitchen torch, sear top of meat blend. Sprinkle with Bac-O-Bits. Serve with flan.

Serves Tinkers, Evers, and Chance.

3. Strikeout Soufflé

Befriend one young soufflé. Nurture until full grown. Decorate with glitter, then roast in a 300 degree oven for approximately two weeks. When police appear, deny everything. Garnish with topiary and fade discreetly into the night.

Serves its purpose.

4. Pop Fowl

Garotte a mature, unsuspecting bird. Hang in a dank place until dank. While danking, reduce three liters Dr. Pepper until viscous. When bird is danked, lard with Dr. Pepper reduction and smoke over pepperwood until gelatinous. Slice thinly and top with pleather.

Serves 2.

5. Contract Corn

Take the proceeds of one Major League Baseball contract and halve. Set aside one half to feed 100,000 hungry children. Use other half to buy popcorn facility. Produce corn, flavor with salt collected from the tears of remaining hungry children. Sell for $10.

Serves very few.