Hasenpfeffer

"Dad, get up." My youngest poked at me.

"Go away."

"C'mon, get up."

"I'll kill you. Really. I will. Go bother your mother."

"I called her. She's at work. She said to wake you up."

"What have I done to deserve this?" I asked.

No response. It was a silly question anyway.

"What do you want?" I finally asked.

"Lucy threw up."

"Stupid dog," I said, pulling the pillow over my head. "Where?"

"On the rug."

Of course. "Clean it up," I told him.

"Gross, no," said my kid. "There's half a baby rabbit in it."

That explained last night's frenzied barking.

"Get one of your brothers to take care of it."

"They left for school already."

The only time I want my kids around and they're not. It's a rare blessing, my life is. I struggled out of bed and put on my bathrobe. Went downstairs and poured a cup of coffee. The Miracle Dog had been banished to the deck. When she saw me she jumped up on the sliding door. I gave her the finger.

"She puked under the table," said the boy, pointing and gagging. Sure enough, there it was, baby rabbit and all. I got paper towels and a bag and blotted it up as best as I could, spraying the spot with enough chemical cleaners to poison a normal family. My own should be fine.

I went back upstairs to shower as my kid let her back in the house. By the time I was dressed it was quiet downstairs.

"Where's Lucy?" I asked.

"She was jumping on me so I put her in the kennel," he said.

"That's what we used to do with you when you were naughty," I said.

"Shut up," he said.

"Your crate wasn't as fancy," I said. "And it was in the garage. Still, it worked just fine."

"Shut up," he said again.

"You spent a lot of time there after you ate a mole," I said. "You'd been digging in the garden. We were afraid you were going to throw up, like Lucy did this morning."

"Ick," he said vaguely.

"You're right, it was disgusting. We were very proud of you, though. Moles are hard to catch."

He sighed. "I have to go to school," he said, slipping on his backpack.

"Got science today?" I asked.

"Yeah."

"You should bring the rabbit for show and tell."

"That's sick."

"I could put it in a plastic bag. That way it wouldn't leak on your way to school."

He turned a little green and gagged. "Shut up," he said.

"Next time let me sleep," I suggested.