Bon Appétit, Volume 13 - Do The Dewlap

In spring, a young man's fancy turns to meat and I'm fancying some right now. Join me on a Magical Mystery Møøse Meat Tour!

1. Møøse Bread

Knead one pound self-rising moose and three tablespoons unfiltered bog water until the consistency of rubber cement. Blend in lavender, orange, or other flavored color. Bake in a kiln at 60 degrees until clock strikes one. Serve with Yukon Jack, halibut butter, and møøse jam (see below).

Serves 12.

2. Møøse Jam

Pick one bushel ripe moose. Remove rinds and seeds. Boil moose in a mixture of three cups sherry vinegar, seven and one half dry aged cloves, two sticks Dentyne, and a large hex nut, until reduced by half. Allow to cool to room temperature. Stir in a package of jam fixins and seal in a mausoleum until firmly set.

Serves 1.

3. Møøse Loaf

Coarsely grind six moose, four pork, and a haddock. Whisk in one cup of salt and a pinch of flan. Top with chopped gelatin to taste. Boil at 180 degrees until Advent. Garnish with staples and serve cold.

Serves 14

4. Pot au Møøse

In a large earthen pot, stir together four young moose, one soupçon of carrots, a slab of broccoli, one garlic filet, and a cup of grout. Allow to sit in a warm sauna until flavors blend, approximately three weeks. Roast at 700 degrees for 15 minutes. Pour into individual serving troughs and top with clotted cream.

Serves 2

5. Møøse Explosion

Weave six slices of uncooked hamster bacon in a lattice pattern. Roll out one raw medium moose on top of bacon. Sprinkle with a scant bucket of cooked moose crumbles. Drizzle with one cup barbecue flavored sauce. Starting with closest end, roll up bacon around moose mixture and slop with additional teaspoon of sauce. Cook over a low charcoal fire for approximately 27 minutes until internal temperature reaches 450 degrees. Slice thinly and serve with biscuits and chardonnay.

Serves 8