The Hand That Feeds Me

It's that time of year the vendors like to take me out for dinner. I hate being rude almost as much as I love to eat. When asked to pick a venue, these are some of my favorites.

1. Le Snout

One of our city's finest dining establishments. Specializes in free range slaughterhouse scraps, prepared with exquisite care and just a pinch of salt. Whether you're craving tripe tartare or hoof au feu, you're sure to be delighted and surprised. Le Snout offers a wide variety of desserts including pork sorbet and Death By Meat. The wine list is heavy on Algerian varietals.

2. The Møøse Høøse

From the minute the antlered hostess extends her greeting, you're in for a special night. A typical pre-theater menu consists of an amuse-bouche of moose roe, quickly followed by moose chowder, a whole poached moose, and moose mousse. Finish things off with a nice peaty Scotch.

3. General Moe's Dim Sum of All Fears

Steamed mullet buns. Quick fried eagle spleen. Raw live lobster. If adventurous eating is up your alley, follow your nose to General Moe's. It's hard to know where to begin when a cart packed with specialties wheels past your table. Be sure to wash it down with a steaming pot of their renowned beetle tea.

4. Topiary

Sometimes even I need to eat my vegetables. When I do, this is the spot. Beautifully pruned carrots are presented as part of a robust, well-fertilized salad. Wild mustard is lightly seared and accompanied with a reduction of equal parts flan and grit. A cacophony of leafy spurge and pigweed is sprinkled with sweet cracked thistle as a fitting end.

5. Spelunk: A Restaurant

The elevator ride down to the main dining room is just the beginning of your adventure. Eating in absolute darkness gives new meaning to the term "tasting menu." On a recent visit, we were treated to brain salad à la surgery, a very tender anthracite loin, a palate cleansing cup of Oral-B bouillon, a plate of charcoal filtered artisan whey, and gelled pyrite.