I've Had A Few

The two youngest went to a basketball game with a neighbor this morning, leaving me home alone with the Lovely Bride and my oldest son. As I read the paper and drank my coffee, I commented on how quiet it was.

"It would be like this all the time if you only had one kid," said my oldest. "Think how much better your life would be."

"That's true," I said. "I'm just not sure which two of you I like the least."

His mother wisely decided to redirect the conversation. "Why don't we work on your schedule for next school year?" she asked.

Stunningly, he agreed and took the paperwork out of his backpack. We looked over his tentative selections. Honors history, honors geography, honors zoology, honors physiology, honors algebra, health, and gym. Regular English but that's a point we conceded last year. He thinks reading is fun-damentally stupid and if he's willing to take the advanced math and science we're willing to let him forgo the busywork I'm told is the hallmark of the school's honors designation in this discipline.

Unlike when I was his age, when we took the classes we were given, and did so after walking three miles uphill through a firestorm of poisonous snakes, he's also allowed to choose a certain number of electives. His first choices were good ones, Spanish, a marketing course, an advanced foods and nutrition course, a couple of others. He's also required to list back-ups, however, and he was having more difficulty picking those.

"Do they have an abnormal psych class?" I asked. "You'd have plenty of study material around here."

"I could bring you for show and tell," he muttered. "I'd be sure to get an A."

"And I could give you a big hug in front of the class and tell all your friends how proud I am to be your daddy," I said.

He shuddered before turning to his mother. "Mom, what do you think?"

She thought for a moment before responding, "One of the few regrets I have is not taking a physics class in high school."

I burst out laughing. She looked at me suspiciously.

"What's so funny?" she asked.

"I took high school physics. I can assure you if I hadn't it wouldn't make the C squad on my list of regrets."

"Really, she said icily. "Why don't you tell us about all these regrets you apparently have?"

Uh-oh. "No thanks, sweetie. I'm good."

My son piped in. "I bet it has to do with my brothers."

The Lovely Bride continued to glare at me.

"He's right," I said. "I regret that we don't have more kids. "

"Is that why you told your friend that your heart is so full of love you're afraid it's going to explode?" said the boy.

"If you were in honors English you'd know that's called sarcasm," I replied. My wife's expression hardened. Lord, I'm an idiot.

"What exactly is in your heart?" asked my wife. "Because I know what the rest of you is full of."

I leaned over and gave her a kiss. "You're the only thing that stands between me and despair," I said.

"What about me?" asked my son.

"Please note your mother is between us. Now deconstruct what I told her."

He began gathering up his scheduling materials. "Mom," he asked, "can we do this sometime when he's not around?"

"That's an excellent idea," she said.

"Love you both," I warbled.

"What a moron," said my son. "Mom, when do you want to finish this?"

"As soon as I'm done revising my own list of regrets," said my Lovely Bride.