Bon Appétit, Volume 8 - Snag's Super Bowl Specials

The big game's coming up in less than two weeks! That means the Snags will be hosting their annual Supercalifragilistic Bowl party, complete with the traditional half-time otter wrestling contest. That is, if we can convince the police to drop the charges against my Lovely Bride, who happens to be a Green Bay native. I told our kids to hide the firearms when last night's contest went into overtime, but as usual, everyone knows better than dear old Dad. I guess I got the last laugh this time; it wasn't so much fun watching Mommy get tasered, was it boys?

Hoping for the best, though, we've already started preparing. The fire hoses have been rented, the temporary fencing has been strung around our compound, and most important the ingredients have been "purchased" for the feast our friends and neighbors have come to expect on this magical day. For those of you who'd like to try replicating it at home, here are some of our favorite game day recipes.

1. Grandpa Snag's Homemade Lunch Meat Platter

Arrange the following on a decorative plate, accompanied by Chicken In A Biskit crackers and a variety of Jello brand dipping sauces.

a. Obtain one well-aged head. Fill with cheese and slice thinly.

b. Convert three livers to sausage. Form into decorative mounds and sprinkle with Herbes de Provence.

c. Purchase one line-caught salami, reserving giblets for future use. Stuff salami carcass with a mixture of white truffles and graphite and cut into one-inch cubes.

Serves 3.

2. Five Alarm Chili

Coarsely chop one medium cow. Sauté until authorities arrive. Add three strawberries to pan, continuing to cook over high heat until strawberry fat is rendered. Transfer mixture to large pot and reduce heat to room temperature. Stir in seventeen tablespoons incense and peppermints until chili turns color of thyme. Add a pinch of secret ingredient and one gallon reduction of habanero. Top with liquid nitrogen and serve immediately. Serves 12.

3. End Zone Punch

Combine three liters grain alcohol, six cups Southern Comfort, three cups blackberry brandy, three cups inexpensive Scotch, and a handful of anchovies. Hollow out a large mammal, forming into the shape of a punch bowl. Pour mixture into punch bowl and allow to rest overnight in a warm, damp room. Serve in chilled teacups garnished with a beak.

Serves 198.

4. Touchdown Salad

Mince one lettuce. Set aside to cool. In a chilled mixing bowl, beat four hamsters, two cups peach yogurt, and a Vicodin until frothy. Set aside to warm. Meanwhile, oil a medium pigskin until glistening. Gently combine lettuce and hamster mixture and spoon over pigskin. Top with shaved coconut or bacon.

Serves 11.

5. Unnecessary Sweetness

Sift five cups aspartame. Stir in one-half cup sucrose, one-half cup fermented honey, three tablespoons pineapple juice, and a box of fudgesicles. Allow to congeal over a double boiler. When thick, add six teaspoons powdered Fresca and one twelve ounce can of evaporated Tab. Microwave at 350 degrees for 90 minutes. When cool, frost with a sardine.

Serves 6.