Marvelous!

Loyal Friends of Befouled already know I'm a noted gourmand, a well-respected music critic, and a much sought after book reviewer. They may not be aware, however, that I'm also a bit of a fashionista. Let's take a peek at what's cooking in Snag's closet.

1. Ready to be on the cutting edge? Try an ermine ball gag. Made from the finest ermines, this ready to wear accessory lets the world know you're a playah. Available in a range of striking colors.

2. It's time to throw out the old rule about white after Labor Day. With a stunning acidwashed snorkel, you'll be turning heads uptown and downtown. Cut and shaped by hand from the finest pork, these snorkels have long been the rage in Paris, Rome, and Finland. Now you can bring one home.

3. We've all seen pierced ears, pierced noses, pierced navels. There's even a Fox reality series, "Mutilation Island." Have you ever seen a pierced colon, though? That's where the trendsetters are now. Do it yourself kits, complete with needle and liquor, are available in most larger urban areas. If spotting persists, contact your physician.

4. Not since JFK singlehandedly destroyed America's haberdashery industry has there been such an interest in headgear. We're talking surgically installed decorative antlers, the hottest thing to come out of Maine since, well, forever. Hip Bangorians can be found strutting their stuff outside the cafés of their fair city, replete with neon and kitsch hanging from what they slyly call their "headposts." Watch out when it's rutting season!

5. Guys don't make passes at girls without galoshes. That's right, these boots of yore are now retro. This year's catwalks feature classic A-lines on top and rubber and snaps below. That trademark sound can be heard from South Beach to Ibiza. Grab a pair and get clomping!