What The World Needs Now Is Meat, Sweet Meat

Thanks to Quizno's national awareness campaign, we know that prime rib is the King of Meats. That's important information and I for one am glad that someone finally had the courage to tell it like it is. Unfortunately, the advertising campaign, for all its public spiritedness, leaves unanswered broader questions about meat royalty. Without that understanding, meat will continue to be seen as an outdated relic of the past, trotted out only on ceremonial occasions. It's time to correct that.














The Queen

Steak has long been the queen of meats, known for her grace under pressure, elegant beauty, and childbearing hips. She has undergone difficult times in the recent past, but has managed to handle family and public disappointment with aplomb. Truly a meat worthy of the hand of the king.




















The Crown Prince

The crown prince has made his own mark in the world. Fond of baubles and parades, he nevertheless made it through the Army's toughest commando training. Most observers credit him with reviving a moribund national appreciation for the role of royal meats.
















The Pretender to the Throne

As a relative newcomer to the line of succession, pork has raised eyebrows with his extravagant lifestyle. Although some enjoy his "connection to the people" others feel equally strongly that he lacks the dignity to represent animal byproducts at an international level. Claims of being "the other white meat" have also resulted in charges of racism, an argument he strongly denies. Suspicions of hemophilia continue to circulate.















The Princess

Even in today's liberated society, the princess struggles to gain the recognition more easily accorded her brothers. A formerly awkward young woman, she is slowly gaining confidence and poise, as can be seen by the stunningly low-cut dress she is wearing in this recent candid photo. Her dreams of one day teaching in a low-income school may be unrealistic, but the fact that she has them speaks volumes about the changing role of women in the world of meat.


Royal meats dazzle people the world over. Paparazzi and celebrity magazines chronicle their every move from birth to death. Love it or loathe it, meat is the one constant in an ever-changing world.

UPDATE:

Jennifer questions the lack of ground and processed meats. Although some have occasionally been knighted for valor or artistic accomplishments (see, e.g., Sir Head Cheese), the caste system remains sufficiently in place to forestall any significant influx into the ranks of nobility.