Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Little Helper

"What are you doing?" I asked, peering over my oldest son's shoulder.

"Nothing," he snarled, repositioning himself in front of the computer screen. "Go away."

"Hey, that's the University of Miami website!" I exclaimed, clapping my hands. "I'll help."

"No you won't," he responded. "You'll just be stupid."

"You're picking a roommate, aren't you?"

"Please go away," he said.

"Really, I'm good at this. What sort of questions do you need to answer?"

Resignedly, he let me read the screen.

"How come there's no place to write that your dad's going to be living with you?"

"See, you're already being stupid," he said.

"Hey, I'm paying for this."

"I got a scholarship."

"True," I admitted.

"And Grandma's helping."

"It's the least she can do, given how she treats me," I said. "Anyway, I'm still chipping in. Besides, it'd be fun to have me live down there. It'd be like 'Old School.'"

"You're going to take off your clothes and run through Miami?" he asked. "How would that be fun for anyone?"

"Don't be so suburban," I said.

"Mom, can you make him leave me alone," he yelled.

"Then he'll just bother me," the Lovely Bride called back from downstairs.

"But he's driving me crazy," said the boy.

"That's why you're going away to college," she said. "I'll still be stuck here with him."

"You're right," he said. "Sorry mom."

"Does that mean I get to help you?" I asked.

"Only if you'll be normal."

"Where's the box to check if you want a cheerleader for a roommate?" I asked.

"I heard that!'" the Lovely Bride snapped.

"Looks like you'll be rooming with Lucy tonight," the boy smirked. Hearing her name, the dog ran over and started gnawing on my arm.

"C'mon girl, let's go streaking," I told her. "Here we come, sweetie!" I shouted to the Lovely Bride, jogging downstairs.

"Three more months," the boy muttered to himself.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Bon Appétit, Volume 15 - Have A Heart, Already!

Like many American males, I have a wife and cardiologist with some wacky ideas about nutrition. But, a man's got to do what a man's got to do, and in this case that means doing what I'm told. Fortunately, good health can taste good!

1. Heavenly Healthy Hash

Debone two lean chimeras, reserving horns for garnish. Poach chimeras in four cups antiseptic for three weeks or until tender, whichever comes first. Add one gallon emulsified grout and stir until thickened. Chop chimera horns into segments and sprinkle over mixture. Cool to room temperature and form into hash patties.

Serves 4 1/3.

2. Roughage Galore

Obtain six pounds of vegetative materials. Add three shovels of flavor and mix until vegetation is fully flavored. Bake at 2,000 kelvins until medium burnt, approximately four seconds. While vegetation is cooking, spawn a ripe cartographer. Pour vegetation into a decorative cornice and serve immediately, passing cartographer separately.

Serves plenty.

3. Nuts to You!

Preheat microwave to 451 degrees. Meanwhile, burnish one flagon of CornNuts until tender. When CornNuts are tender, chop finely, mix with spumoni, and set aside. Hollow out a large, ripe cabbage, discarding cabbage entrails. Insert CornNut and spumoni mix into cabbage cavity and bake in microwave until Wednesday. Accompany with pork.

Serves 9.

4. Bacon Surprise

Remove bacon from one large pig. Fry until desired crispiness. Give to next door neighbor. Weep.

Serves no purpose.

5. Soup in the Time of Cholera

Peel one dozen medium soupçons. Saute until gently smoking. Add three cups picked over horseradishes, one cup lo-fat petroleum jelly, and a tack. Refrigerate overnight. In the light of a new day, dip mixture in sopapilla batter and fry in 800 degree lard until blackened in spots. Add to one gallon eel broth and simmer until consistency of soup. Ladle into bowls or other round containers and serve immediately.

Serves one large Cartagenan family.