Monday, July 26, 2010

Gummi Bear

"Hey, come here," I yelled downstairs.

"What?" my middle kid yelled back.

"Just come here," I said.

"I bet you're in trouble," the youngest said.

"Shut up," the middle boy told his brother.

"Stop arguing and both of you come here," I yelled again.

"Are you going to make us watch one of your stupid music videos?" the middle kid asked as he trudged into the room.

"Look," I said, pointing to the computer.

"Hey, that's my oldest brother!"

"Yeah, they're posting photos from Australia. This one's from yesterday."

"Is that a koala?" asked the youngest.

"It sure is. Pretty cute, isn't it?"

"Cool," said the youngest.

"You know what he did right after they took the picture?" I asked.

"What?" asked the middle boy.

"He had to kill and eat it."

"WHAT?!!" they both shouted in unison.

"Sure. It's part of the travel experience," I said.

"You're lying," the youngest said with certainty.

"No I'm not," I said. "Your brother's learning about different cultures."

"Dad's lying, right?" the youngest asked the middle boy.

I shook my head. "Look, it's like when you have a hamburger. Someone had to kill the cow. This is the same thing. It's a way to teach about the farm to fork cycle."

"But that's a koala. People don't eat koalas," said the middle kid.

"Then why is Australia full of koala ranches?" I pointed out.

"Nobody would eat a koala," insisted the youngest.

"We don't eat them here. In India they don't eat cows. Same thing."

"How did he kill it?" the middle boy asked, still skeptical, but also a little intrigued.

"With a special tool," I said. "It's called a didgeridoo."

"That's not a weapon, that's an instrument," the youngest smirked. "Your friend R. has one."

"It's a multipurpose tool," I replied. "You can play music on it or kill with it. 'Didgeridoo' means 'koala hammer' in Australian."

"Mom, is there such a language as Australian?" the middle kid asked as the Lovely Bride walked in the room.

"They speak English in Australia," she said. "Why, what's your father telling you this time?"

"What did my brother eat for dinner at the koala ranch?" demanded the youngest.

"Oh, dear God," said the Lovely Bride.



Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Bon Appétit, Volume 14 - Take Me Out To The Ballgame

With baseball season in full swing (and a miss!), it's time to break out the grill and prepare some of those great American favorites. Best of all, the only tools you need are a good knife, a hot fire, and your cunning and agility.

1. Home Run Platter

Snare and carefully butcher three medium possum. Reserve pelts for quilting. Steam over low heat for approximately one full moon. When tender, whisk together with a Maris and allow to cool to room temperature. Accompany with a hanging curve.

Serves Eight Men Out.

2. Triple Play

Choose one meat from each of the pork, beef, and chicken families. Cook until delicious and stir to blend. Shred one lamb. Discard. With a kitchen torch, sear top of meat blend. Sprinkle with Bac-O-Bits. Serve with flan.

Serves Tinkers, Evers, and Chance.

3. Strikeout Soufflé

Befriend one young soufflé. Nurture until full grown. Decorate with glitter, then roast in a 300 degree oven for approximately two weeks. When police appear, deny everything. Garnish with topiary and fade discreetly into the night.

Serves its purpose.

4. Pop Fowl

Garotte a mature, unsuspecting bird. Hang in a dank place until dank. While danking, reduce three liters Dr. Pepper until viscous. When bird is danked, lard with Dr. Pepper reduction and smoke over pepperwood until gelatinous. Slice thinly and top with pleather.

Serves 2.

5. Contract Corn

Take the proceeds of one Major League Baseball contract and halve. Set aside one half to feed 100,000 hungry children. Use other half to buy popcorn facility. Produce corn, flavor with salt collected from the tears of remaining hungry children. Sell for $10.

Serves very few.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Huh

My eldest is leaving tomorrow, off to Australia and New Zealand for a couple of weeks.

I don't know what to think.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Correction

"Mom, some guy named Rob called," said my oldest.

"Was it Rob Gooder?" asked the Lovely Bride.

"Oh sweetie," I said to her. "What did they teach you in school? It's not 'gooder.' It's 'better.'"

"Was he this dumb before you married him?" the oldest asked his mother.

"Yes," she said. "I thought he'd get better."

Monday, July 12, 2010

I Love Baseball

District playoffs.

Trailing 9-6.

Last inning.

Two outs.

Bases loaded.

Bottom of the order.

Kid hits a walk off grand slam.

The crowd goes wild.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Songs I Never Hated - Part 18

From the first album I ever bought.

Monday, July 5, 2010

I Hope My Wife Has A Sense Of Humor

"You're sure?" I asked, plugging in the hair clippers.

"Yes," said my youngest.

"Really?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"It'll be good luck for baseball playoffs. Plus, Mohawks are funny."

"Yes they are," I said.

The clippers roared.


Thursday, July 1, 2010

Bánh Mì Bounty

"What a great picture!" said my assistant, H., pointing to the screensaver. We were sitting in a coworker's office, discussing build out plans. At least they were. I was furtively looking out the window, hoping to locate the police car that had distracted me with its siren.

"Thanks," said our coworker. "I took it in Ireland last year."

"Snag's a photographer," said H.

I heard my name and refocused.

"What?" I said.

"You were taking pictures in your office yesterday afternoon," she continued. "Remember?"

"No," I said. "Liar."

Our coworker considered us with increased interest. "What were you photographing?" he asked.

"Nothing," I said.

"His sandwich," said H.

"You took a picture of a sandwich?" asked our coworker.

"To show to his wife," H. said.

"Why did you want your wife to see it?" he asked me.

"This is a stupid conversation," I replied.

"He wanted her to know how delicious it was," H. added.

"Be quiet," I suggested.

"What did your wife say?" asked our coworker.

"What would your wife say?" H. inquired.

"That it's weird to photograph a sandwich," said our coworker.

"Bingo," said H.

"It was delicious," I said.